Go for the base hit versus swinging for the home run

A few weeks ago, I was reading “The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert” by Rosaria Champagne Butterfield who tells the story of how she “boldly declared” herself lesbian and shares her journey into Christian faith.  While the book is an excellent resource for anyone desiring to learn more about how to best relate to the LGBT community, the principle that stood out to me can be applied in many aspects of our lives.  Please allow me to share an excerpt from her book that really caught my attention:

As a Christian, how can I be better at reaching out and being a friend to those who do not agree with my convictions? Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.” The line “need of the moment” is important. Too often in our relationships, we feel as though we must speak our full heart on all matters. We feel dishonest if we don’t spell out the whole story of gloom and doom when we see people we love making dangerous decisions. We panic, say more than we ought, and then justify this as honesty. We would do well to show ourselves people who value humility, gentleness, and patience, as Jesus does with us. We also should not fear learning from people who think differently than we do, and welcoming the chance to dialogue across these differences. Finally, we must be very careful about thrusting private conversations into public venues. Real heart changes happen in private, not public, spheres.

When I first read this, I began to reflect on the number of times in relationships I tend to swing for the fence attempting to hit a home run versus just going for the base hit.  As my wife Lisa would tell you, I’m wired as a problem solver and change agent; thus, there are times where I “speak my full heart on on all matters” when I need to edify “according to the need of the moment.”  Even more challenging at times are the relationships I work so hard to meet “the need of the moment” only to insert my foot in my mouth at the end attempting to create a breakthrough moment.  Thankfully, these times have grown further and further apart as I grow personally to “value humility, gentleness, and patience” over the years.

While there are several great nuggets in the quote above, I’ll attempt to better articulate a specific by using an example when it comes to relationships.  Over the years, I personally have grown tremendously in the understanding of creating vulnerability, transparency, and not fearing healthy conflict in relationships.  Thus, in my coaching, I am very intentionally about creating a context or environment where these characteristics are valued and emphasized.  Over the years, I’ve seen multiple examples of people having breakthroughs in relationships as they learn to appreciate the value of vulnerability and engaging in healthy conflict.  It’s because of these “wins” in relationships that from my prospective I want to see everyone I engage having a similar “win”.

Adding to this, I would offer the majority of my clients tell me I added tremendous value in that “you really helped us to open up and talk having some of the conversations we should have been having long ago”.  In order to achieve this, I often must create a safe environment where people are stretched to get out of their comfort zone when it comes to vulnerability and transparency.   This, my friends, is normally where the tension lies with today’s topic as every once in awhile I step over the “need of the moment”.

I likely should make a distinction between those people “seeking coaching” versus those I’m simply in relationship.  Starting first at home, I’ve had to learn to ask if this is a problem Lisa wants help solving or one which the “need of the moment” is for me just to listen.  What I’m finding is that times she’s actually “seeking coaching” are much less than the times she simply needs me to listen.  Thus, if people aren’t “seeking coaching”, than we really don’t have their permission to press into vulnerability and transparency for which are the majority of our relationships.

Given this and shifting back to Butterfield’s observations with Eph 4:29, I wonder how often we, as Christ-followers, are swinging for the fences versus going for simply base hits when it comes to sharing our hearts with others.  Butterfield tells the story of how a pastor and his wife came into relationship with her over the period of two years prior to her ever stepping foot into a church building.  She notes how this couple never made her feel judged or condemned; yet, also were open with their beliefs and why they believed as they did.   They modeled Eph 4:29 in all their interactions with her:  “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.”  And, because they did, in time Butterfield’s heart was transformed by Christ’s grace and love.  How did this heart transformation impact her personal journey with same-sex attraction?  You’ll need to pick up a copy of the book to best answer that question.

So, given today’s post, where do you need to “go for the base hit versus swinging for the home run” when it comes to relationships with people whom may not necessarily agree with your personal convictions?  “We would do well to show ourselves people who value humility, gentleness, and patience, as Jesus does with us.”

2 responses to “Go for the base hit versus swinging for the home run”

1. Dave Boyd says:

   01/01/2016 at 12:06 pm

   Hi Chris, hope you had a wonderful Christmas. I so much enjoyed your message today, as I can greatly relate to it. Keep up the great work and look forward to getting together soon. Happy new year and God bless, DB

   Reply
   • chrisarnold says:

     01/01/2016 at 12:17 pm

     Thanks DB! Happy Year to you and yours and let’s catch up soon!

     Reply